Monday, September 17, 2012

running in place...

I wrote this a couple months ago, when I was stressed and just needed to write. I was afraid to post it. It was my feelings, so raw. I was afraid someone would make fun of me. I was just reading thru it and loved it. It shows Im human. I get stressed, overwhelmed and need help. I, all to often, think I can do things on my own. I'm learning to let go of things. What's meant to be will be. If I need help I ask....

The last thing I want to be doing right now is writing this... but I have to.
I spend 9 hours a day in front of a computer, working my ten key magic with both hands.
By the end of the day, Im tired of staring at the screen and realistically I only have two hours to make dinner, do laundry, clean up, give my son a bath and spend time with him. It feels selfish to plop down in front of the computer and ignore him. I'm exhausted by the time he goes to bed. I'd rather just go to bed too.
What happened??
Im overwhelmed.
with my job, pleasing everyone, dealing with people I don't want to deal with.
Can't I just win the lottery??
I swear I'd be good with the money.

I know what makes me happy, being loved.
By friends, my son, the boyfriend.
every day I feel like I fail them some way, some how...
I forget to say thank you for dinner, I forget to dry the towels in the dryer, I eat scrambled eggs for dinner, I snap at the boy for something trivial. There just aren't enough hours in the day and the days keep going faster and faster.

I love, love.
I love him, I love my friends and family and I love my boy.

I love that:) and I've got it!

I realize I'm being taught patience, but how many times do I have to learn this lesson???

In every aspect in life. Apparently I need to have 3 more kids by three different dads to be able to receive help. I don't want that. I want one love, forever.

Do you ever feel like you need to put something out in the universe?

I am no longer afraid to ask for what I want. I deserve it, everyone does.

This is just how I tick. Everyone is different... Maybe I'll learn to be different than this or maybe I won't. I used to think I was good at hiding my feelings. I've come to find out, I'm not.

Words hurt, don't say them if you don't mean to hurt someone. I've learned to be careful with words.

Maybe, it's because I'm a mom and I'm shaping another human being.

Am I even doing it "right"??

Like Jewel said, I'm sensitive..

I love hugs and kisses:)

and I am lame like that... :) I'm okay with it.

I must have felt, that night, that all I do is run in place and never get anywhere. I look back and realize that isn't the case. I have come so far from where I was before and for once I am excited for my future. For my son to grow up, for my love to grow for Sean. I'm not waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. I love, love:)

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